Hello, thank you for joining me for the Domestic Violence Story Project again. Last weeks story started us off in Asia, where we got to hear firsthand what it’s like to live in a violent marriage. This week’s story comes to us from another brave woman, only all the way on the other side of the globe in Great Britain. It’s amazing to me that despite being on opposite sides of the planet, they have suffered in such similar ways…it just illustrates what an epidemic violence against women truly is. Although their experiences were similar in some ways, they were much different in others. Janette interacted with government authorities a great deal in her case, though they sometimes did more harm than good. As you will see, it has been a long and complicated road for her and her children.
Note: Some of the terms used in this story are of course, British, and may be a bit confusing. I’ve tried to remedy this wherever possible while still leaving the author’s voice intact.
How to tell my story? How to explain the way I lived? How to learn to feel again instead of that empty resignation that I felt each day as I awoke?
I should have recognized the signs but I did not know the signs, I did not know about the cycle of abuse, I did not know about control and I certainly did not know about domestic violence!
I first heard this phrase after eighteen years of abuse- of violence, of manipulation and of control which manifested itself in pushing, grabbing, hitting me and breaking furniture during violent temper rages – it manifested itself in demanding sex and if I refused I was kept awake all night by his ranting and threats. It manifested itself in abusive language designed to make me feel belittled and full if low self-esteem . Eighteen years when my children would hear his rages and cower scared in bed
“A terrorist”- That phrase was coined by a lady who attempted to help him recognize his abuse – he was a perpetrator!
I reach a turning point seven years ago – I had had enough and one night – as he threatened me with the brass fire fender – I felt no more and listened to him smash furniture – I asked him to leave.
But he didn’t believe me and only when he was told he was a perpetrator of domestic violence did he put up a face of contrition.
I made a mistake – a huge mistake.
I accepted that he attend Pendle domestic violence initiative – hindsight is wonderful – but that was a mistake and I should have had him arrested.
Well now began his campaign to teach me who was boss – to teach me and punish me for what I had put him through.
In the words of my solicitor – you will never be free of him until he thinks he has broken you.
Never be broken.
He pretended he wanted to come home – he was a changed man – I nearly fell for it but intuition stopped me.
Unbeknown to me he was calling my daughter to try to turn her against me – he failed but my son being younger was another matter and he took my son – the worst day of my life.
My son had been spoken to by the Pendle domestic violence initiative and they – a government funded body- decided that a fifteen-year-old boy could live with a perpetrator, a man who had been interviewed by the CID on suspicion of abusing his step daughter – madness but it happened.
So be careful of these agencies, please think carefully!
My son was useful as a tool to get money from me – he had already set in motion a request to the CSA before removing my son. The CSA did their job – I had to pay for seeing my son, I had to pay for the heartache of not having my son with me – I did not see him at all because of his father and so I paid.
It is not just men but women too who are in this position and all told I paid 17,000 pounds to the CSA over 5 years
As for the perpetrator – he tried to get me fired from my job as a teacher and even wrote to the GTC to stop me ever teaching again! He failed, but imagine how it felt to have your career destroyed in this way.
Get a non-molestation order – I had to – do it to protect yourselves.
My mother died – bless her – and 2 days after her passing the perp asked for her will! Had I got a bequest? He wanted his share and my father was distraught – he got nothing but he put us through pain and upset that it cannot be forgotten.
Through all this and more I had a domestic violence officer, a specialist solicitor, supportive friends who refused to be swayed by his words and a rapid response on my house.
Be aware though that seemingly innocent government agencies can be manipulated legally to support these perpetrators.
The CSA will reinforce the collecting of monies it is not concerned with family matters.
The police are fantastic with violence issues but not manipulation and control.
A perpetrator programme – in my opinion and experience – simply empowers the perpetrator with more knowledge.
Often these agencies act innocently without realizing their part – that is no excuse.
I have now made tentative steps towards rebuilding contact with my son and my daughter lives with me.
And as for the perpetrator? Well, he has another victim.