Hello everyone and thank you for joining me for our final Recovery Month Story! This account comes to us from a brave young woman who is facing an interesting challenge: how to stay in recovery herself while taking on a challenging career in the medical field. Alli is a registered nurse who works to advocate for her patients and keep them healthy, while at the same time trying to stay in recovery from her own eating disorder issues. I identify with her greatly, since I too am recovered from an eating disorder and am currently in nursing school; it’s interesting to hear about how she feels towards the profession of nursing and her daily struggles with recovery. I hope you find it interesting too. Thank you for staying with me through this month’s Story Project, and I hope you’ll join me on the first when Writing for Recovery begins the Domestic Violence Awareness Story Project. Thank you again! Peace, Sarah
Let me introduce you to someone: She is a bright-eyed intelligent young woman full of enthusiasm for nursing sick people back to health. This has been her passion for longer than she can remember, and it took her more years than most to reach just the bottom rung of the ladder–a license to practice as a Registered Nurse. Setbacks forced her to put the dream on hold and learn to let others nurse her back to health before she herself could be the caretaker. But she achieved these first necessary steps of living her dream and is on the verge of changing lives with her career finally in her hands staring her in the face. She embraces the challenge despite the feeling of terror that comes with knowing she will be responsible to care for human lives.
She didn’t sign up for this. They told us it would be hard, but didn’t prepare us at all for the magnitude of suckiness that is the life of a floor nurse. No, what they told us was a joke compared to the war we face every day. This job, this career, has been one giant disappointment. After all the time and effort I’ve put into it. Seems like a waste. I’m good at it. But just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you’re happy doing it. I have to wonder if I’ve even given it a fair shot though. If I have even stepped into the ring. Maybe I’m holding out for something better that doesn’t even exist. Maybe this is it for me. I’d always wondered if I was destined for greatness. But I am swallowed up by a feeling of limbo; this is the most I’m ever going to be, to do. Who ever said I deserved better anyway?
Who is this chick?
This chick is me. Alli. For over a dozen years I’ve been suffering from anorexia and bulimia, spending my days in and out of treatment centers, emergency rooms, therapists’ offices; wearing a mask that says to the rest of the world No matter what it looks like on the outside, I’m FINE. But I’m not fine–on the inside I’m screaming. On the bad days, everything in me is fighting to hold it all together but at the same time wanting to cry out Somebody please help me, I can’t do this anymore! In between treatment stays I somehow managed to fight my way through nursing school and am currently working as a registered nurse on a cardiac floor. Which is a sick irony–the years of abusing my body has created numerous medical complications; at any moment the tables could be turned and I could be (and have been) lying in that bed being nursed back to health. Instead I am in the position to care for and to save lives. When I can’t even save my own. I give advice to my patients that seems hypocritical; who should be expected to listen to me educate them on living a healthier lifestyle when I’m not exactly the poster-child for health? My career and the struggles I face every day in my job are reflective of the daily battle against my eating disorder. They both involve waking up and facing my worst fears over and over and you have to be so strong to do that every single day. When I speak of the “fight” to get up and go to work, I’m also talking about the fight to walk around in a body I hate and try to ignore the self-loathing feelings all day long, to fight the desire to self-sabotage and fall back into a completely eating-disordered lifestyle. There’s an eerily deep correlation–while growing as a young nurse, I have grown as a young woman and have learned that there really is no separation between my work life and my home life. How I feel about myself as a plain old human being directly affects me in my career. It is impossible for me to be strong at work and then go home and beat myself up. If I can stand up for myself as a patient advocate, then I must stand up for myself as a me advocate. The strength it has taken to survive one of the toughest careers is the same strength that has helped me fight against my eating disorder for so long when too many times I desperately wanted to give up. As hard as it is though, it is what I live for and now I am a nurse for life. And if you have something to live for, then you have no excuse for giving up.
~~ Some people plant in the spring and leave in the summer. If you’re signed up for a season, see it through. You don’t have to stay forever, but at least stay until you see it through. ~~
Alli Eshleman, RN